supercool- -

you know what ISN'T exactly the coolest thing ever?
that fact that i've been up at 6am everyday for the last week.
the fact that it's july, and by 6 30 i'm not only awake, but out of bed, dressed, showered and coffeeing my self up.
that's ridiculous.
but oh mannn i love having the money.
and i like my job.
except this morning bonnie WILL be there.
which is gay.
but it's freakish how close i've gotten to most of the girls i work with.
most of them are all used to it, they've been there a long time,
but i just can't get over how you become good friends so fast.
but i guess eight hours shifts over and over with the same two or three people will do that.
anyways.
my coffee is real good this morning; lets try and not spill it rebecca.

so.
uhm.
logan asked me to go to a wedding with him on saturday.
shit shit shit.
i want to but i don't and know i shouldn't because that says a little too much that i'm not sure i want to say.
and yesterday, maxxx goes "so, you and logan hooking up?", and i actualy haven't seen or talked to max in about two weeks (which is why we were talking..) and i would like to know where the hell he got that idea.
though i shouldn't be surprised, but still.
i miss donald.
i miss elyse more.
shit.
which reminds me i also have to work out a trip to sauble.
too bad i dont sleep anymore.
i have a bunch of shit to write about,
a lot of shit that's been bugging me but i rarely even get the cahnce to sit down and write it.
and when i do, i can't get in that mindset.
or make my mind start up.
it's slowly deteriorating from a lack of sleep,
lack of intelligent conversation,
lack of stimulation.
i feel like i need to sit through a few classes with digou just to jump start me.
but, instead, i'm off to work.

i'm going to be okay though.
at least the sun came out today, making me feel a little better.
it persuaded me to take the fray out on my cd player and put cartel back on, though at the moment i have on bowling for soup.
cause im good.
cause it's out of my hands now.
and cameron will be home in 24 hours. 
though it scares the shit out of me, because i have no idea how i'll make it months without him when i can barely make it a week.
but we still have six months.
and i get to see thousand foot krutch tomorrow night.
and saturday night should kick ass.
and if not it'll be a good story, because i'll either drink which always gives me good stires or i'll punch evan in the face which is an even better story.
dear life; you're funny.

i might actually start crying the next time i have the why-dont-you-have-a-boyfriend conversation.
litterally.
fuck.
as if i haven't noticed that i haven't been in a serious relationship in high school;
like, just incase i wasnt aware that i mgiht be missing out on something;
lets ave every singler person i've barely talked to in the last year remind me about it.
third and fourth period may kill me.
because it's possibly one of the most awkward conversations ever.
and i know they dont realize how much it bugs me, becasue they dont realize i've had the same damn conversation with my cousin, with my aunt, with my mom, donald, max, richmondd, nickky. etc etc etc.
and the i-was-into-you-but-you-scared-me-off twist leaves me like "whhaaat?"
like i dont understand life somedays.
in a good way, because it's nice outside, and that makes everything feel alright.

and i started doing that thing today.
that thing where i'm afraid of losing someone so i push them away.
at least i know what my problems are eh?
i dr phil myself.
but i heard myself tripping out on cameron; giving him dirty looks and purposly avoiding him.
and thinking
rebecca, what the hell, youre just making this worse.
becuase the situtation isn't even bad; cam's trying and it's all in my head and i'm making it bad.

hey; good convo.

ps. i fall too quickly for boys i know i'll never let it work out with.

i'm okay.

friends only. comment to be added. thanks muchess.

love you, rebb